When we disagree with people we love
It seems like the divides between us keep becoming more and more pronounced. Whether we are discussing masks, politics, faith, school, or children our conversations can quickly become heated, personal, and hurtful. This is especially true with friends and family, the people who are supposed to love us best.
The holidays are quickly approaching. While we sit around the table with friends and family passing the cranberries and asking for a second helping of stuffing, difficult conversations may come up. So what do we do when it seems like someone we love has completely different values, morals, or priorities? What is the prognosis when it feels like we are standing on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon? How can we connect at all if we can’t even hear each other anymore?
If you find yourself standing there, I am with you. It’s lonely, disorienting, and more than a little infuriating. Whatever your position, you deserve to be cared for, loved, and listened to. And I hope the advice here can help bridge the gap.
**Important note: This advice does not and cannot apply to all situations. Relationships that are abusive emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually are not able to be safely repaired with these steps. In those instances it is important to approach the possibility of reconciliation with the guidance of a professional. You cannot be available to a healthy relationship if you are not safe.** But, if you are wanting to repair a relationship that has historically been tense but not toxic, these steps can help.
Before anything else, make sure you understand the true goal of this process: the healing and revitalization of the relationship. Complete agreement is not a helpful or realistic goal, but mutual understanding and respect is. Therefore, always prioritize the person standing in front of you and the health of your connection or relationship. If winning an argument becomes the goal, you will sacrifice your ability to relate to the person in front of you. Agreement could be a pleasant byproduct, but often what looks like agreement to one side can often feel like coercion. Always make sure that the other person feels understood and respected.
If you have someone in your life where you want to prioritize the relationship with them, but for whatever reason you just can’t seem to stop yourself from a fight, look inward. Look at the things that really get your blood boiling and determine what is driving that heat. This is something you might need outside help with. Often if something makes us angry it’s because we touched something deeper such as fear or hurt. If it is something that gets your blood pumping, then it is worth examining--especially if it is coming between you and someone you love.
Of course, avoiding hard conversations is neither helpful nor reasonable. A real relationship means being able to communicate about the things that matter. Once you understand your own side of the issue, do everything you can to see and understand the other person’s convictions or positions. What is actually driving their passion? Is there a reason why this topic could be coming from a place of fear? Of hurt? It’s not coming from nowhere. When we feel seen, heard, and understood we are less likely to feel defensive and more open to hearing the other person’s point of view. Again, the point of this conversation is not to agree, but to fully understand and to connect with your loved one.
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This is not comprehensive. Whole books are written on this topic, and every conversation and relationship is nuanced. Unfortunately, sometimes we do find ourselves in toxic relationships with people that we love. It is possible that you could follow all of those steps and still find yourself on opposite sides of a massive gulf. If that is the case, I am so sorry. You have done all you can. And it may be best, for now, to redefine the terms of the relationship. The hope in this case would be for you to set healthy boundaries in this relationship to keep yourself safe.
If you are at any point in this process and find yourself struggling, do not hesitate to reach out for help. Healthy and nourished relationships create the stability to weather the storms of life without crumbling under the pressure. We would be privileged to help you navigate this.