The Holidays & an Eating Disorder: It’s Complicated. 5 Ways to Care for Yourself
While often thought of as the most wonderful time of the year, for many, the holiday season can bring up feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We are faced with many situations that are out of the ordinary for us and this busy time of year can be uniquely painful for those who struggle with disordered eating. Decisions about how we are going to spend our days and participate in seasonal activities feel overwhelming because in order to enjoy connection and being present, we need to relinquish being in control; and eating disorders foster a belief that we must be in control in order to be doing our best.
If this feeling speaks to you, I encourage you to take the time to work on your relationship with yourself in this season. Some may think it is unrealistic to aspire to love your body or yourself all the time, but I disagree. No loving relationship is perfect or positive all the time. They challenge us, they’re not always exciting, they don’t always look pretty or feel easy, but a loving relationship is something you ultimately feel safe in. And we don’t assume that it isn’t love just because it doesn’t always look good.
Tragically, a key feeling that is missing for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, is feeling safe in the relationship you have with yourself. Often you can feel like your body and mind betray you and your sense of safety and belonging in the world. You feel afraid that you’re not worthy of the love you want. You try to tear out the parts of yourself you don’t want and become someone ‘better’. Honestly though, this is not the path to experiencing love. Even if you reach the state you think will earn you love and security, you still live with internal resentment towards those ‘unworthy’ parts of yourself every day. When you live with that feeling every day you won’t ever feel like you’ve arrived at a safe place. Those exiled, ‘not-good-enough’ parts of yourself don’t need to be rejected, they need to be loved.
So what should this love look like in practice? Here are five relationship objectives I focus on to love myself and others well.
Listen. Listening is a crucial part of any healthy and happy relationship - your relationship with your body is no different. Your body has needs and preferences. It is both adaptable and stable in the many ways it functions every single day. When we listen and respond to our body’s needs, it is able to function at its best.
Embrace flexibility. Control usually stems from anxiety and a fear of loss or change. It limits the freedom one has to fully experience something new without actually being able to stop the new things from happening. And it harms relationships because it doesn't let either person be who they are and important needs go unmet.
Lift them up. A friend who is willing to offer you encouragement you can’t seem to give yourself and openly appreciates who you are is a freaking gem! Who’s to say we can’t give ourselves the joy and confidence that friendly affirmations give us? At least once a day, talk to yourself with the admiration you have for someone you love. This can sound like, ‘I deserve love and respect.’ or ‘I feel so happy when I…’ or ‘My favorite things about myself are…’.
Ground them down. We all long to find a safe place to call home where we can be our most authentic selves. Take the time to remember things you have endured and honor who you have become. You can bring yourself a sense of security when you are able to be present to all parts of yourself and show them love regardless of the fears you have.
Grow. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially and physically, as long as we are alive we are growing in big and small ways. It is a beautiful and normal part of life, it reflects that our needs have changed and we found a way to meet them. We have not failed because our lives and bodies look different than they have before - that needs to happen throughout our lives and has no real bearing on our worth or lovability.
Lastly, I want to affirm anyone who is struggling with self doubt; you can prioritize the things that are meaningful to you. Changing the way you think and behave is hard and asking for help is worth it whether or not you think you deserve it. And to anyone who is trying to support a loved one through an eating disorder, I ask that you remember the most important thing you can do is offer a safe place for them to feel valued and loved. Help is available and healing is possible.