Attachment Styles: A look into Fearful Avoidant Attachment
The fearful avoidant attachment style, also called disorganized attachment, is a form of insecure attachment, often born out of early, unstable experiences with loved one’s or caregivers. It can develop when the person who was our source of love and life was also a great source of fear and pain for us. Home was often quite volatile and emotions very intense. Close relationships likely felt as though they could be extremely loving and responsive to some of your needs, and also be unpredictable, harsh, hurtful, sometimes even violent.
As children we made sense of these circumstances through our own eyes, trying to understand how we could be experiencing this by thinking it had something to do with us, our bad behavior, our unwanted needs, our lack of worthiness as a person. In order to survive this environment and try to create a safer future for ourselves, we came to believe that we needed others to validate us and make us worthy, and also that others are likely to hurt or betray us and that emotional intimacy leads to pain.
As we grow in life, we bring these patterns with us. We may behave very ‘hot and cold’ in relationships. We may cling to our independence and tend to dissolve relationships when that gets threatened. We may feel like we never want to be too close or too far from the people we are connected to. We often believe love is always conditional, and while it may feel vital one minute, it is just not worth the pain and anxiety the next.
Individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style are not bad people or always bad partners. We have a capacity for deep connection. We can be very loving, courageous, empathetic and sensitive, wise, charming, and manage independence well. However, some of our other qualities can lead to chronic dysfunction in our lives. We can also be rather distrusting, have poor boundaries, be very indecisive, judgmental, and people pleasing. On top of it all, we have a skill for keeping these traits fairly well concealed which can lead to us feeling immense guilt and shame for the things we believe to be wrong with us.
The thing is, any and all of it is in fact something we can grow into and away from. Key steps for us in becoming more securely attached involve exploring the past experiences that have shaped us in these ways so that we can recognize and work on the fears and needs that need to be cared for. We learn to identify and effectively communicate our needs, and how to soothe our sense of panic that screams we aren’t safe when that is not currently the case. It is not good for us to always be running. It is not easy or healthy for us to try to grow in these ways all on our own. Finding a therapist who works specifically from an attachment lens can enable you to work on these specific areas and practice new ways of living and loving in the context of a safe, stable therapeutic relationship.
If this information has felt relevant to you I invite you to courageously begin this process by reaching out to me at riley@grovecounseling.co or by calling me at 224-698-7045 ex. 3.