Boundaries: what the heck are they?
by Sonja Melton
It seems everywhere I look, someone I care for or work with is discussing the importance of boundaries in their lives. This term seems to be a hot topic on social media as well. While it seems like a simple topic–” I need to set boundaries, I deserve to feel safe and protected!”, at times it can be a hard concept to get right and make happen!
So what the heck are boundaries anyway?
Merriam-Webster tells us that a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent” and this term kind of makes sense as it applies to our relationships. Having boundaries in relationships helps to put limits in place that allow you to feel comfortable, safe, and good in the relationship.
Boundaries aren’t rules for other people!
Many people I talk to view a boundary as a rule for others. For example, I was talking to a friend recently who said she had boundaries for her family during the holidays. They weren't allowed to ask her questions about money (she had recently gotten into some debt etc.). I gently discussed with her that to be prepared with a good boundary, she should instead think about what she would do to handle the situation or cope if the topic came up. She should not give the rules to others. For example, she might say “Aunt Sue I know you care about me and might be curious about how I got into such significant debt, but if people keep discussing this personal topic, I am going to have to go sit in the other room.” Setting good boundaries involves a plan. What will you do when a particular behavior, comment, action etc. happens that doesn’t work for your boundaries? A boundary in action is your definition of how you need to be treated by others to feel good and healthy in the relationship.
Boundaries are actually an act of kindness for the other person….
Researcher, best-selling author, and licensed social worker Brene Brown tells us that “boundaries are actually a prerequisite for kindness and compassion for other people.” What does this mean? If I am constantly allowing my teenager to use my credit card to buy expensive clothes because I want her to be happy, fit in etc. I am not really protecting my “future self” and our future relationship. Over time I may develop feelings of resentment and anger toward her, especially when I get my credit card bill. Another example might be I can't say no to a friend who always asks me to babysit even though I find it overwhelming and stressful. Eventually, I will grow to resent this friend if I don't set a boundary line. I might say “I love helping you out and am happy to watch your kids once a month, but I can’t do it every week!”
But I feel bad when I tell people no!
This part is hard for many people-especially women who are conditioned by our culture to be selfless. Brene Brown also shares “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. We can't base our own worthiness on others' approval.” The next time you tell someone you can’t do what they want you to, or you remove yourself from something that goes against your boundaries, take a mindful moment for self-compassion. Tell yourself “It is hard for me to say no, I am not alone in this feeling, it is part of being human. I am still good inside when I set boundaries. I am still lovable.”
It takes practice…
Many clients I work with experience a range of emotions when keeping boundaries in place with others. Some are terrified the first time they try a new boundary with someone, others are elated! The more people experiment with boundary setting, it tends to get easier. Also if you remind yourself that you are protecting your future relationship with the person by saying no, keeping boundaries, or asking for what you need from them, it can be an easier thing to do!