Repair Work Ahead

How do you reconnect with your partner after a fight or a busy week?  How about after a pandemic? 

The past year has been one in which we have felt scared, lonely, isolated, angry, or helpless. We may have even found ourselves in a survival state “just trying to make it through.” What we have gone through and felt can lead us to: shutting down emotionally; avoidance of people and our feelings; increased reactivity to those around us; numbing out through Netflix, video games, food, or shopping. Needless to say, we have gone through a lot. 

Whether we have been fighting about the kids, had a busy week and just didn’t see each other much, or are recovering emotionally from the past year we may have some repair work to do with our partner. The beautiful thing about getting to circle back, getting to repair, is that it means we do not have to be perfect. Yes, we are allowed to miss the mark, to be so overwhelmed by what’s going on that we don’t say the right thing or aren’t as present as we normally would be. The “coming back together” can be so sweet. Here are two ways we can do that: 

Acknowledging our absence 

While you were going through , your partner may have experienced your absence or noticed that you were not your usual self. We’re human, this happens sometimes. 

It is important to come back to our partners and acknowledge the ways in which we may have been absent in the relationship. This could look like, “This year has really gotten to me, and as I am coming up for air I have noticed that I wasn’t here for you in ways that you may have needed me to be. How are you doing?” This acknowledgement is a starting place to communicate “I want to be here for you, I am making space for you because you are important.” It can also include two powerful words, “I’m sorry.” What you are owning is that you wanted to be there for your partner and you weren’t able to be.  

Creating a new ritual together

For months we had nothing to do; no games, no events, no parties. In recent weeks and months we have felt life pick back up again and all of the sudden there are games, events, and parties. These things are wonderful and they can easily sweep us away from meaningful time with our partner. It can be helpful, and even fun, to create a ritual together as a way to spend meaningful time. 

Some ideas of what this could look like are going out to breakfast on Saturday mornings to a favorite local spot, taking a walk around the neighborhood on a weeknight, or simply starting your day with a conversation. These can help us connect with each other simply by meeting face to face or side by side for some time together. 

When the dust has settled and we have tended to our own needs, doing the hard work of repairing with our partner is worth the effort and it can even be fun. We find it a privilege to come alongside couples as they navigate their own repair work, schedule an appointment today.